It's a little awkward.

If I like you,
And you like me,
Why the hell are we wasting our time?
Are you too afraid to cross that line?
I’ve been thinking about it

If we're all alone, aren't we in this together?

Don't walk away. lets let them see the mess that we became
Sirens flashing, here's the cops
Don't blame this on not having jobs but dreams
And I see things cause I'm not afraid to think outside the box
And now I'm shaking, I hope I'm making perfect sense
So place your bets to see where I end up
And oh my god this place is so messed up
Rip me apart to see my insides
Compose myself I'm not secure
And don't believe a single thing
That you have heard
Throw my pride into this fire
My confidence is dead, I'm tired
Who's giving up?
I won't burn out, I'll just burn up
And I was raised on excellence
Always taught to look my best
I don't wanna be just anybody
I don't wanna be anything you forget
Villains die and heroes live forever
Tragic endings get remembered
I don't wanna be just anybody
I don't wanna be anything you forget

They won't forget you in the end.

Only you will understand this

I miss you

There, you happy? I said it.
I
miss
you.

Now wipe that shit eating grin off your face.

All The Single Ladies

In away, being single does have its perks. Well I should know, coming up
this november I have offically been 'single' for 2 years, this doesn't include
'seeing someone', whatever the shit that means. I mean without a boyfriend.

And yeah, it does suck and sure it gets me down from time to time. But this
is me trying to point out the good parts to being single, and maybe even
making people realise that being 'alone' isn't that bad.

For starters, you don't have to spend money on anyone but yourself. Just
buy things for you, not on some boy or girl. Sure, no one is going to buy
you nice things, but so what? You've got extra money for yourself. Back in
the day before I had unlimited text messages, I was buying credit for my
phone so often, and therefore spending money on someone else. Then I
became single and wasn't texting him every second of the day. (I then got
a hiptop with unlimited texts. Best plan ever)

You don't have to worry about how you are in the morning. Crazy hair, bad
breath, left over makeup, basically just looking gross. You wake up and
have no one there which sure is lonely, but its better than looking like shit
next to someone. And you don't have to worry about them looking like shit
in the morning either, because they don't even exist.

For girls, and as gross as this may be, come winter time, you don't have to
shave your legs as often, only before an event, or when they just get gross.
But when you go through that prickly stage, no stress, because there's no
one that's going to touch them. Just put on some jeans, leggings, or high
socks.

You don't have to put up with their friends, or worry about what they say to
their friends. I used to feel so awkward meeting their friends and just the
feeling of judgment, and wondering what they're thinking about me and
what they're going to say about me when I'm not there. Or what the
boyfriend would say when I'm not there,things that other people don't need
to know.
Parents fall under this category as well. Meeting the parents is so awkward.
At least I find it to be.

You don't have to answer to anyone. Maybe it was the bad relationship I
was in, but I always found myself having to justify why I did most things.
Can I do things and not have to give reasons why, or really pay any
consequences now?
Yes.
Is it so much more relaxing?
Hell yes.

You get time for other people. This I guess may just be how my last
relationship was, but the only person I really saw for so long was him. I
guess it just felt weird not being around him, plus I kinda felt like I had
to bring him with me everywhere. Now I get time for my friends. And
friends are going to be there for a whole lot longer after he's gone.

When I learn about the other perks of being single I'll let you know.

I pinky promise I'm not disturbed

It's kinda like I want to somehow kid nap you, a way I wouldn't get caught.
I'd then strap you down, so you're lying like a starfish.
I'd burn off ever singly hair on your body, including your eyelashes
I'd slowly rip off all 10 of your fingernails
I'd stick pins in your eyes and ears
I'd make tiny papercuts across your toungeI'd give you a chelsea smile
I'd draw pretty pattens in your skin with a scalple, and then pour a mixture of salt and vinegar all over you.
I'd cut off random fingers and toes
I'd scoop out your bleeding eyeballs
I'd shove a tube up your ass then some cheese and set a rabie infested rodent up there
I'd dig at your belly button with a screwdriver
I'd pull out your teeth with pliers
I'd break your ribs with a mallet
I'd then walk away and leave you there to rot.

Our house, in the middle of our street

My mum keeps talking about moving to a smaller house sometime next year, and I cannot even stand the thought of that. I've lived in this house since i was 3, thats 13 years (well, i lived overseas for a few years but came home regularly), and the amount of memories that are here, I just don't wanna move.

I spend most of my time at home. Yes, I am aware of how amazingly awesome that makes me sound. But I don't need to go out. It's just me and mum here, and she's such a relaxed mother. My friends usually come to mine, I'm allowed to smoke and drink inside the house, it's basically got everything I need and so I don't see the sense in going out really. But because I am home so often, it just creates more memories that I don't wanna leave.

One of my earliest memories is right before we moved into the house, me and my dad went to McDonalds, got our food, then came here and sat on the now lounge room floor and ate it. No furniture, nothing. Just an empty house with nothing but a father and his daughter pigging out. Back then we still had the tacky pink capet, grey blinds and grey walls.

Since then, we've added a room, moved what's in each room, tiled all downstairs, gotten new carpet, gotten new blinds, built an outside sitting area, done up the garden, gotten new fences, gotten a new letterbox, repainted the whole house and well everything else really.

And since then, basically everything you can think of has gone down here. First time I did, well most things that are part of growing up happened here.

The kitchen is what I'll probably miss most, my bedroom coming a close second. But everything goes down in the kitchen. Sweet late night chills, d&m's, drunk dancing, drunk times in general, pasta fights, foil hats, fights, kissing, getting asked out, sitting on the floor crying, drinking tea by myself, midnight feasts, eating in general, homework at ridiculous hours of the morning, everythings in this kitchen. Which ironically I'm sitting in now, by myself, drinking tea, smoking, doing homework and just chilling by myself. I actually love this kitchen.

My bedroom comes a close second. I need to repaint my walls soon according to mum, but I really don't want to. When I was younger, it was all light pink, and had a matching bed spread and wall paper. I still have the same draws from when I was younger, which is a little sad on my parents behalf, but still. Next it was differnt shades of pink. Then there was posters and photos covering the pink because I was so brutal and emo and was all 'no! pinks a happy colour!', I don't think my coolness needs to be mentioned here. A bad break up caused me to repaint it, purple and black, with an inverted cross and '40,000 people die every day, how come you're not one of them' written on one of the walls. Another has black paint just splattered across it. Drunk times have lead to countless amounts of messages written on my wall in permanent marker. Then fights have lead me to crossing out peoples names and writing different things next to them. Just reading them every now and then makes me laugh, because I forget about certain things from time to time. I really do love what I've done to it.

I don't expect many of you to understand what on earth I'm crapping on about, but those of you that have been to my house will understand its greatness, and its memories, and just everything about how homey it is.
I don't want to leave it.

Dear boys;

I'm not hungry for your bullshit
so stop feeding it to me.
Try a burger, I like those.
Unless the patty is made of more of your lies and made up stories and ^-^ faces.
But please, for fucks sake, stop feeding me complete and utter shit.
It's not tasty.

Just so you know.

I loved him more than you ever will.
I love him more than you ever will.

<3

Wow, that's so nice !

I'm sorry I don't colour my eyes in with eyeliner

I'm sorry I don't put too much contrast on my photos

I'm sorry I don't type like a retard

I'm sorry I'm not a tacky scene kid

Let's play a guessing game !

which vital organ feels like this?

"Hi, my name's Flick" "Hiii Fliiick"

Just to state the obvious; I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. I don’t see how a drink can alter your state of mind so much. But at the end of the day, quite literally, I don't care how it happens; all I know is that by drinking I end up showing some sort of emotion, well at least lately.

Weather this makes me sound like an alcoholic in the making or not; I drink because it makes me happy. I drink because I can dance in front of people and not give two shits about how I look. I drink because I can sing in my tone-deaf voice and not care at all about how terrible I sound. I drink because everything is so much funnier. I drink because I don't take notice of things and I don't over analyse things. I drink because it makes me like songs that I don't like when I'm sober. I drink because everything’s so much more interesting. I drink because I don't care about anything that happened when I was sober. I drink to escape reality. I drink because from a young age, I saw that it helps and then a few years later learned that it does.

I enjoy the altered state of reality. Everything has less meaning. I have even less shame than I normally do anyways. It doesn't matter what I look like or what I do. Nothing really matters when I have a drink in hand. All I really seem to care about is what songs plating, how I'm going to dance, how fast I can down my drink or how much my cheeks hurt from grinning ear to ear.

When I was about 8, I saw a woman spiralling down and down. I then saw her find a friend in the bottle. It used to annoy me, I guess because I just didn't understand. I used to hate seeing her not being able to get words out and be frustrated, yet still have a smirk on her face, and that over glazed look in her half shut eyes. I hadn't destroyed any of my brain cells back then, and could see she was happier when she could live in her head. But I never understood why.

I was 14 and a few months the first time I ever got drunk. I turned to it because I was celebrating, and because life was close to perfect. The next time, I was doing belly shots and stumbling down stairs, the only other thing I remember from that night was the countless amount of laughs, and listening to Outkast.

Its almost like I've attached good memories to being drunk.

I can only recall one occasion when I was upset and drunk. Every other time, I have drunk and become the happiest girl in the world. This is probably leading me on the road to self-destruction. And weather or not its the state I'm in right now; I'm not phased one bit.

I don't drink for the attention. I don't drink to be sad. I don't drink to wallow in my own self-pity. I do it to escape from reality, and I want nothing at all to bring me back to it when I'm like that. I don't want to listen to songs with horrible memories attached to them, I want to listen to techno, or maybe some electro, and dance and dance and dance.

I like the room spinning, I like the fuzzy lines. I like the comic side to everything; I like laughing till I'm curled up in a ball in the corner of the room crying from laughter and the pain of my stomach. I like all of it probably too much.

I don't like crying from sadness when I'm drunk, not one bit. I don't like crying in general really. I don't like being brought back to the real world when I've just spent the last hour or so escaping it. I don't like many things when I'm drunk actually.

I guess for now, as long as I have anything but wine and brown spirits in my hand, you'll get a reaction out of me. I guess for now, I'm too dependent on a liquid just to help me get through the day.

Amazing, all this time I thought you were a nice guy.

I think that other people should start thinking about how others will feel because of their actions. I'm sick of someone being happy, but leaving me miserable. And yes that is self-centred. But maybe they're the self centred ones for only thinking about their happiness.

I can't explain how sick I feel. No I don't have an illness. I feel sick because I'm back where I always end up. And why? Simply because my emotions clearly aren't as important as everyone else’s. Simply because I'm always just too late. Simply because no one ever seems wants me. And the worst part is that on the odd occasion that someone wants me, I don't want him.

For once in my life, I want the guy i like to want me back.

Since as long as I can remember, the guy that I like goes out with someone else. I wish I could elaborate on the type that gets picked over me, but then my tongue (well, typing) would get me into far too much trouble. But the games getting old. I want to feel good enough, I want to feel like I mean something, and as though I'm not just there to pass the time until something better (well clearly only better in their eyes) comes along.

There’s a slight chance that maybe one day, I’ll be everything to some guy. Just maybe one day, when I fall head over heals for a guy, he'll feel the same back, and won't just spoon-feed me bullshit for a year or so. Just maybe one fucking day, I’ll be the one who gets chosen, and won't have to sit in my room crying asking myself what on earth I could have done to deserve this.

I know that nothing in life is fair, but if someone can tell me how being nice only leaves you alone and miserable, that would be great.

I know there's plenty of fish in the sea, but I wanted that one. Pity they stopped feeling the same way.

I can't make any sense of myself

I don't like people knowing what's bothering me, yet I continue to post my whole life on the internet.
I can hide my feelings, yet I choose to openly express them over the internet.
I don't like people knowing what's wrong with me, yet I continue to post how I feel, but never tell people why I feel like that.
I go on msn, yet put in my display name that I don't want to talk to people.
I think I just have an addiction to the internet.
Poor me.

Oh your poor unfortunate soul

A little while ago, I was on the train. My iPod died, so I was forced to sit there and listen to other peoples conversations.
Well, I maybe could not have listened, but I did anyways.

There was a mother and her two kids, this is what I heard.
boy; '-makes some comment about McDonalds in America'
girl; 'they dont have Maccas in America'
boy; 'yes they do!'
girl; 'no! they have like, Krispy Burger or something'
mother; '-ignores the stupidity of her children'

I think she should put some more money into their education.

It's the little things

You could say I get annoyed easily;
x- Jokes that go on for just too long
x- Saying 'stop' and then it keeps happening
x- Being told the same thing over and over
x- People staring
x- Being ignored
x- Not getting anywhere
x- People who turn everything back on themselves
x- People who only talk to brag about themselves
x- People who think they're funny
x- Buying a bus ticket, then the ticket machine on the bus being closed
x- Connex in general
x- Vegetarians who preach'
x- Over religious people
x- Being interupted
x- Bad kissers (is it REALLY that hard?)
x- Snobs
x- Condescending tones of voices
x- Being questioned
x- People not having reasons to back up themselves up
x- Blatant lies
x- Being lied to
x- Nickelback
x- Slow talkers
x- Couples that are just too into each other
x- People who have their whole myspace page as a shrine to their boyfriend/ grilfriend
x- Waiting
x- Being a dollar short
x- Not having enough of, well anything really
x- People who can't handle a certain story because 'they're eating'
x- Judgment
x- Teeny-boppers
x- Girls who change their tone of voice because they're speaking to a guy
x- Unattractive girls with attractive boyfriends
x- People who think they're top shit
x- Boys who wear makeup badly
x- Girls who can't apply make up
x- People who struggle to get words out
x- People who use bad grammar
x- People who use words such as 'smexi'
x- Being corrected with the wrong thing
x- People who do things just to annoy me

Shit

I think its my most commonly used word.
I should stop over using it.
I don't see how it could even be considered a swear word.
It's such a common word.

fml

So yesterday, I felt pretty crummy and didn’t go to school.
I got pretty bored and decided I’d take a new photo of myself.
I was half way through doing my makeup when I thought ‘im actually that bored, and since people keep asking me, im going to make a tutorial video on how to do my makeup’
So I get my laptop, sit there, making a video on webcam of how I do my eye makeup for about 10minutes.
I finished; go to watch the video,
Turns out my laptop thought it was a great idea to stop the video after 25seconds, but give me no notification of this
So I sat, in front of my laptop, doing my makeup, talking to myself, for 10mintues.
And to top it all off, my friend who lives with me was home and most likely heard me under the impression I was making a video.
Fml.

Immaturity

I’m going to stop referring to the guys I know as ‘men’ or even ‘guys’ because I’ve come to realise, I don’t know any ‘men’, just immature little boys.

You can't stop me from making the same mistakes

People say that you learn from your mistakes. I don't agree with this at all.
It may apply to other people, but not me.

I thought that after last time I'd learn not to be clingy and needy. Obviously not. Have I learned it drives people away? Definitely. Have I still continued to be clingy? Yes.

I thought that after last time I'd learn to mind my own business. Obviously not. Have I learned it pisses people off when you pry into their life? Definitely. Have I still continued to be nosey? Yes.

I thought that after last time I'd learn to not get my hopes high. Obviously not. Have I learned that things don't always go according to plan? Definitely. Do I still get too over excited? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn not to talk about someone harshly and openly. Obviously not. Have I learned it creates a mess? Definitely. Have I still spoken about people? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn not to be a hypocrite. Obviously not. Have I learned it makes you a terrible person? Definitely. Have I still gone against what I say? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn to plan things better. Obviously not. Have I learned it stressed me out when I don’t know what to do? Definitely. Have I still not given much thought to certain things? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn to hold my tongue. Obviously not. Have I leaned that it gets me into a fair amount of trouble? Definitely. Have I continued to speak before I think? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn to be grateful. Obviously not. Have I learned that you don't know what you've got until its gone? Definitely. Do I still always want more? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn what makes me look pathetic. Obviously not. Have I learned that certain things just make me look like a fool? Definitely. Do I still say and do stupid things? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn not to complain so much. Obviously not. Have I learned it makes me look like a whiney emo? Definitely. Do I still complain like there's no tomorrow? Yes.

I thought after last time I'd learn that repetition makes you look lame. Obviously not. Have I learned to keep people guessing you need to change it up? Definitely. Do I still do the same thing over and over? Well clearly.

What love is.

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. We can't breathe the same way or function quite right without it. See, that's the thing about love.

You hold it up to all these images you've learned to attach to the word 'love' since you were little. We learn so many things about love before we are even capable of falling. Don't rush in. Keep steady. Prince/princess charming will fix everything. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

I practically dove with my eyes closed; Fully aware that I had drowned before. "Love is a battlefield." never really made sense because it is contrary to everything we have been taught to believe how 'Love' is supposed to be. But it is so entirely different. Love isn't him calming you down when you yell. It's him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. We are human beings. We don't handle one another, and we can't be handled. We are mutable creatures that need something different everyday. Need something more or less to keep us going, to keep us believing that it's not all for nothing. So no, it's not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's him standing there, admitting he's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. That's the thing about love.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.

err why ?

I don't know why I made a blog, I really don't know.
I'm terrible with words, I have a teeny vocabulary,
so don't expect this to be much good, really.
I'm pretty bored, and this seems like a good idea at the time.